“Strikes out”… Remember when Cory used to care about baseball?
Cory and Shawn discuss the game “Seven Minutes in Heaven”. Eric keeps walking by and making fun of Cory. Also there’s an attractive, new, lady teacher at the school, and Mr. Turner is totally into her. And as it turns out, she is single. Feeny disapproves of faculty-and-faculty relationships, but it’s not an official rule, so Turner goes for it.
Cory confronts Eric. Eric doesn’t think Cory is ready for the make-out party, and grills Cory – does he know what to do with his hands? What if the girl has braces? What if he gets caught on a clothes hanger? Cory doesn’t even know how to talk to girls.
At the make-out party – this early? That must mean the rest of the episode is a doozy – Cory is busy freaking out. He’s about to leave, when he bumps into Topanga. He tells Topanga the party was great and he was in the closet for 14 minutes so he’s just gonna go home now, but Shawn makes him stay. Shawn gets called to make out with Some Girl, and comes out wearing a different shirt. And then Cory’s name gets called. He thinks maybe he’ll be lucky and his name will be called twice so he can go in the closet alone, but, nope. Cory and Topanga.
Cory’s way too nervous to do anything, and Topanga is totally understanding about it. She offers to just talk with Cory. Cory and Topanga decide what they’re going to say and do when they come out of the closet so that no one suspects that they were cowards and didn’t end up doing anything. Topanga tells Cory he’s nice, but Cory doesn’t want to be nice. He wants to be a MAN. He picks up a net that happens to be in the closet, and Topanga tells him the only way he can learn to be a good kisser is if he gets experience. Cory leans in to kiss Topanga, but right then the guys at the party open the door, because their time is up.
I believe this is the fastest I’ve ever summarized 8 minutes of this show.
Amy wants Cory – who is sitting on Eric’s bed – to dish on the party, specifically she wants to know if he kissed anyone. Alan comes in and tells Amy she’s being embarrassing and she just can’t ask Cory something like that and ushers her out, and then tells Cory to tell him about the party later.
Cory tells Eric about the party, and how he was the only guy who didn’t make out other than the guy who had a really bad asthma attack. But he’s okay with it – after all, there’s no way anyone can possibly know his embarrassing secret.
So of course at school the next day, everyone knows he didn’t kiss Topanga. Also Topanga tells a giant crowd of girls that just because Cory didn’t kiss her, it doesn’t make him a coward, and he’s a Really Nice Guy.
Harley and the other two confront Cory at lunch. Harley makes fun of Cory and dumps his fruit cup on his salad – which sounds like a terrible euphemism for something gross. They don’t really do anything else, and then leave.
Feeny and the new teacher chat at lunch. Blonde teacher wants to know more about Turner – if he’s a cool, wild man, or a serial killer. Feeny tells her the truth and then tells a ridiculous lie right afterwards – first that Turner lives with seven maiden aunts, and then that the motorcycle outside is actually Feeny’s (with the truths being that Turner is a nice, cool guy who always wears his helmet).
I’m not sure what’s going on, because I’m halfway through this episode and I’m only at 650 words right now. Most of these things run upwards of 2200 words, with the longer ones being 3200. I guess part of it is because I haven’t spewed my opinion on any matters yet. Because… there’s not much to opinionate on. I don’t have any experience in make-out parties, and I understand Cory being nervous and embarrassed…. Next scene.
Cory declares he’s never going back to school again, and his parents don’t really care, and instead ask Morgan to continue her story about some kid at her school ate her paste cup and the teacher didn’t do anything about it. I think it might’ve been to have an episode every now and then about Morgan. She always seems pretty interesting, just in the few minutes of screentime she always gets.
Cory interrupts and asks his parents how they could possibly be more interested in his sister’s paste story than in his entire high school life being ruined. He tells them that he choked at the make-out party, just like Eric said he would, and coins the word “agoobwah” to describe something way beyond humiliation. Amy and Alan notice Cory blaming Eric for his troubles, so they confront him to ask what he actually said to Cory.
So Eric tells them that all he said was that it was really scary to kiss a girl. His parents say that, thanks to this advice, Cory is too scared to even think about dating a girl, so they think that as long as Cory won’t go on dates, Eric shouldn’t be allowed to date. I seem to recall an earlier episode where they completely banned Eric from giving Cory any sort of advice on girls or dating ever again because the advice he gave was terrible – and by that I mean SEVEN EPISODES AGO “Amy tells Cory to go to Alan for advice about this kind of thing from now on, and not to go to Eric who has ‘some explaining to do for his own behavior with girls lately.'”
The next day at lunch, Eric has a talk with Cory, saying he “May have exaggerated the dangers of kissing a girl.” Eric says Cory just needs a no-pressure date to get some practice at being with a girl under his belt. Eric offers to take Cory and the date of his choosing somewhere that will be basically be pretty chill and no-pressure. Cory doesn’t know who he should take, because the only people talking to him are Shawn and Topanga. Eric suggests he take Shawn as his date. When Cory says no, he should take Topanga, Eric says “You animal.”
So they go to a coffee house. Cory doesn’t know anything about coffee, and orders a cap-oo-see-no. I’ve never been to a coffee house that has a stage and a microphone like this one – seriously though EVERY coffee place on TV always has a stage of some size but I’ve NEVER been in one that has a stage at all – but the decor in this place basically looks like a modern coffee house, other than the colors and the radical curtains. So basically not actually similar at all, other than having old, beaten up furniture and a cash register.
Frankie is reading a poem he wrote. It’s pretty good, and I pretty much hate all poetry. Harley is really embarrassed to be at a coffee place and wants to leave. Joey’s really impressed by Frankie’s poem and says it’s really good, and that poetry is good for expressing “complex human emotions, like, uh…. y’know, whatever.” Topanga has two giant cups of tea and she and Cory sit down one of those old, beat-up couches these places always have.
They talk about the make-out party, and Topanga tells Cory she was really nervous at that party as well. Cory doesn’t believe her, saying that girls have it totally easy, they just have to stand there. But Topanga says that she didn’t know what to do either, and if Cory had been a bad kisser, she wouldn’t have known. I don’t know if I should point out that they’ve kissed twice on-screen already, even if the first time didn’t really count. Topanga says she guesses they missed their chance.
A guy, called Donovan, goes up to read a poem. He’s accompanied by a bongo player, and is clad all in black, so it’s very disappointing he doesn’t also have a beret to complete the coffeehouse beatnik poet ensemble. His poem is called “Produce Section” or something, and it’s a very sensual poem about eating peaches.
So the next day at school, Feeny wants Turner to dish on his date with the new blonde teacher – who is named Catherine, it seems. But Turner won’t give him any info at all. Catherine comes by and says hi to Turner, and asks if they’re still on for that night. Turner says yes, and then, with a really goofy look on his face, tells Feeny he likes her.
Cory, Shawn, and Eric are all having lunch together. Shawn is intrigued by Cory’s coffeehouse dating method, and Cory says he’s thinking of becoming a poet. The three of them compose the following:
There once was a boy named Cory
Who now has an interesting story.
He learned about kissing,
And all he was missing
When he and Topanga made out!
Shawn gave the last line.
Topanga and some other girls walk by, and Topanga just says hi, and they walk away. Cory makes a joke about the girls being all over him.
During the credits, Donovan is reading a poem, this time entitled “Canned Food Aisle”. This time it’s about syrup that drips, drips, drips on your tongue, fills your mouth with sweetness, and makes you want more. We see Cory and Topanga, Eric and some girl, Shawn and some other girl, Turner and Catherine, Amy and Alan, and Feeny and some lady are all attending. Everyone except Feeny is really into the poetry, with Feeny making the same “what the heck is this” face I usually make at poetry.
So this is the third “Cory learns about dating” episode of the series, but to be fair, this one was more “Cory learns about kissing, and that not everyone is super experienced at it.” This is also at least the second time Cory has been humiliated in front of the entire school, only for it to basically not matter at all in the end anyway.
Shirts – 25
Skirts – 3
Pants – 1
Bonus – I realized this much earlier but I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but Eric’s and Cory’s bedroom has plaid wallpaper.