BMW – 223, “Home”; May 19, 1995

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Shawn’s hogging the bathroom, because he has to shave his sideburns… and his forehead… and his cheeks right next to his nose… is Shawn actually a werewolf? Hmm. Well, as Cory says, Shawn’s been living with them for 3 weeks and has been in the bathroom for 2 and a half of those weeks. Eric is still busy studying for his upcoming SATs, and is still having a lot of trouble, although he seems a bit more put-together than in the last episode. Eric then scold Shawn for using his lucky towel, and then Eric goes into the bathroom to study, and slips on a bar of soap.

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Take a good, long look. I think this is the last time we see Lily Nicksay as Morgan.

Morgan still exists! She’s eating ice cream for breakfast, because Shawn says they do that all the time at his house. Amy and Alan are trying their best with Shawn around, but Alan’s mostly upset at Chet for not calling, writing, nothing. He’s glad Shawn at least has Cory and Eric to keep him level – cue Shawn coming downstairs yelling “Well excuse me for breathing your lucky air!” Shawn, wearing the same outfit he had on during the last episode, heads to the fridge and drinks straight out of a milk carton. When he realizes what he did, he says his family thinks cups are for fancy people. Amy says that’s fine, and they’ll just label that carton with an “S” for Shawn.

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Amy also bought some new clothes for Shawn. Alan thinks that’s a bit ridiculous, even though Shawn appears to only own that one outfit now that his  mom drove off with his house and all of his belongings. First, she patched up Shawn’s old pair of jeans with all the holes in them.

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She also bought him this yellow sweatshirt. Shawn thanks her, but is obviously not enthusiastic about it.

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So Shawn has two outfits here and all Amy does is buy him a hooded sweatshirt? I’d buy him two solid shirts, maybe in white and green, and two plaid shirts to go over them. That’s really simple 90s fashion that Shawn’s obviously okay with, and he can mix and match the clothes so it’s not so obvious he only owns 7 or 8 shirts. But whatever.

Katherine – who is wearing a gigantic green thing on her collar that I at first assumed was a bolo tie – apologizes to Turner for taking off so quickly that morning. Turner tries to give her back something of hers he has in a brown paper bag. She tells him she has plenty and he can keep it, but Turner says it’s not something he can wear. Gross. I never understand how every single character in this situation on tv shows can never remember to put their underwear on when they leave a place. I’m sure it makes sense for some characters, who maybe don’t always wear underwear all the time and wouldn’t notice if they forgot a thong or something, but EVERYONE ALWAYS forgets their underwear.

…at least… I sure hope it’s underwear in that bag.

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Cory disapproves of Shawn’s alterations to the sweatshirt – everyone keeps just calling it a shirt instead of a hoodie or a jacket or anything – but Shawn’s like “your mom will just sew it back together and put an S on it”. Cory says his mom is just trying to be nice, and Shawn’s all “Yeah, well I’m just trying to make it through this thing without making any waves.” Ugh, shut up, Shawn. What kind of waves are you not making? You’ve hogged the bathroom without any consideration for the two people you share the room with, you used someone else’s towel, you keep drinking stuff that’s supposed to be for the whole family right out of the carton so that Amy and Alan have to spend even more money on food because of you, and then you mess up a gift Amy gave you so you would actually have more than apparently one outfit you own. How is that trying to not make waves?

Turner asks Cory how’s it going, Cory’s like “…Shawn’s my best friend, so…” Turner tells Cory he can call if there’s ever a problem, and Feeny gets all high and mighty about him giving his number to students. To be fair, that’s always a kind of iffy point – it’s one thing for teachers to have a student’s home phone number and for students to have a teacher’s office number at the school, so business can only be conducted on school grounds, but exchanging personal numbers…

But Turner clearly doesn’t mean anything inappropriate, he just knows Shawn’s going through tough stuff and wants to help. He then brings up how Feeny’s always helping the Matthews kids, but that’s a little different, because Feeny’s also their next-door neighbor.

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Eric got a score of 190 on his SAT practice test, even though you get 200 points just for signing your name (he left out a “t” in his last name.) Jason tells him to take a break, get some sleep. But Eric can’t take a break. SATs are this Saturday, he needs to study, he needs oxygen! He pulls Jason outside, because there’s more oxygen out there, and Jason leaves.

Feeny is out there gardening because of course he is, and offers to tell Eric the three secrets of taking the SATs – for a price. If Eric helps him with some tougher gardening work – laying sod, planting trees – he’ll reveal the secrets.

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Shawn is looking wistfully out the window at a stray dog. Cory wakes up, and he and Shawn have a conversation full of metaphors about Shawn being a stray dog. Shawn wants to leave, but Cory says they have a curfew because it’s a school night. Shawn’s all “I don’t do curfews! And blurghablurgha I’m an ungrateful, whiny little boy!” and then he takes his bag and climbs out the window.

Seriously, Shawn. He’s acting like he was some poor street urchin that the Matthews took in on a bet, and he’s having to suffer all these terrible, cruel rules living in this high-society house, like “use a cup” and “don’t clip your toenails at the dinner table” and “you guys are only 13 I don’t want you out by yourselves after 9 pm” and “use your own towel”. THE NERVE OF THESE MATTHEWS LORDS AND LADIES, IMPOSING PERFECTLY SENSIBLE AND RATHER MINOR RULES ON A BOY THEY VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE IN SO HE WOULDN’T HAVE TO LIVE IN A FLEA-RIDDEN MOTEL IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD ON HIS OWN WITH NO MONEY OR CLOTHES OR TRANSPORTATION.

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Katherine wants to know if Turner loves her, and if he doesn’t and isn’t intending on taking the relationship farther, she doesn’t want to keep wasting her time with him.  Turner can’t get any words out, and Katherine asks him what he’s waiting for. Cue a knock on the door. It’s Shawn.

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And a police officer. Shawn was loitering outside the high school with some older kids and some spray paint. Shawn said he was staying with Turner, and Turner  tells the officer that’s totally true, he’s staying there while his parents are out of town – saving a baby girl in east Virginia who fell down a blowhole, according to Shawn.

Katherine leaves, and Shawn thanks Turner for covering for him, saying that Cory’s parents totally would’ve freaked if he’d showed up with a cop. Turner is like “Freaked out? YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?” And he yells a little, and Shawn is all “hey man I thought you were cooler than this!” They settle down a bit, Shawn offers to give Turner some girl advice, and reveals that the reason he does so poorly in Turner’s class is because he’s just not good at math. When Turner points out that he’s an English teacher, Shawn asks “Then why you teachin’ math?!” Turner replies in the best way possible, “Are you kidding me?”

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Amy and Alan know. They scold Cory, saying Shawn is their responsibility and Cory should’ve told them about Shawn. Cory tries to explain how Shawn is like a wild dog, but he just sounds like an idiot, and finishes up with “You had to be there.” Turner and Shawn then arrive, and Shawn and Cory are sent upstairs.

Side question – how do Amy and Alan know Shawn left at 9 pm? He was taken to Turner’s place obviously some time after 9, so unless Shawn told Turner he left at 9 pm… My bigger question is: Eric wasn’t in the room when Shawn left, so he had to have noticed Shawn wasn’t there when he went to bed. Cory’s in trouble but Eric isn’t? And Eric was outside helping Feeny with the garden when they called Cory downstairs, so Eric should’ve noticed Shawn wasn’t in the room when he got up that morning. Cory could’ve argued he was just sleeping when Shawn left and thought he was already downstairs when woke up, but Eric can’t make the same excuses.

Well, anyway, Amy, Alan, and Turner have a discussion about how awful Chet is, then the phone rings. Amy says to just let the machine get it, which it does after exactly one ring. It turns out it’s Chet. He found the motorhome, but Verna wasn’t in it. Alan says Shawn needs some stability, and they’ve got three kids of their own, and it’s not fair to anyone for Chet to keep them tied to this open-ended commitment.

Shawn overhears this, and is all “FINE! I don’t need any of you anyway!” Then he runs upstairs, locks himself into a room, and jumps out the window. Now, a couple things:
1) Shawn, you have been a terrible house guest. I wouldn’t blame Amy and Alan for saying they don’t want you anymore. You’re not willing to change your habits to accommodate your hosts in any way, and anytime anyone says “Hey, Shawn, maybe you could use a cup?” you just get really angry about how you never asked to be there or whatever. It’d be one thing if the Matthews were really rigid – like no one can speak after 7 pm, or you have to wash your own clothes every single day, no matter if your clothes or clean or not – but the rules at the Matthews home are pretty standard and relaxed, and stuff Shawn probably should already know about because he’s clearly stayed at that house before (he has his own cot, apparently).
2) I have no idea what room Shawn locked himself into. I’d assumed it was Cory/Eric’s bedroom, but I’m not sure. The outside establishing shot always shows the room as being the one with the right-most window on the second floor of the front of the house. This would seem to be confirmed, because that dog they were looking at was out in the street. But the window Shawn jumped out of open up to the tree in the backyard. I’d always thought that bedroom faced the backyard anyway, but that seems to contradict everything this episode has shown so far.
3) So Shawn locks himself in that room, and climbs out the window. So the door is still locked. So no one can get into the room without breaking the door down, Thanks, Shawn.

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Turner heads Shawn off at the tree. Shawn’s all “raaah you don’t know me no one care’s about me!” Turner says he understands Shawn, knows what it’s like for people to reach their hand out and say they care, only to rip it back. He offers Shawn a place to stay. Shawn’s still all “what, so you can get sick of me?!” and “you’re not my real dad!” and Turner tells him he’s sick of him now, and he’s just offering a place for Shawn to stay. Then Cory falls out of the sky.

He hurt his leg.
He hurt his leg.

Cory and Shawn continue the dog metaphors, about what it’s like to be a house-broken dog this time. Shawn asks what he’s supposed to do if he hates being house-broken, so Cory says he’ll tell his parents to put in a doggy door for him. Shawn tells him they can just leave the window open, and they fist bump.

Okay, if Shawn’s just going to get all pissy about having to live in a house with rules, why doesn’t he just go live with one of his relatives in the trailer park? I mean, they never bring that up at all. Is it because all his relatives are too selfish to open a place up for him? Do they not have enough room? It seems like continuing to live with a bunch of people he’s actually related to who don’t really care much about him would be fine with Shawn. This whole episode is making me really angry. I mean, I’ve never been in this kind of situation specifically, but Shawn’s just completely ungrateful and unwilling to be polite around the people who opened up their homes to them, people who can’t even afford to pay $50 to play mini-golf in Jersey Shore anymore who sure can’t afford to the extra food Shawn is taking up, AND the Matthews apparently aren’t willing to sit down with Shawn and talk to him about these problems they’re all having with each other, and work out a solution  – like Amy agrees not to touch Shawn’s clothes and Shawn can do all his own shopping with his own money, or else he agrees to go with her to pick out clothes for him, and if Shawn wants to out after curfew he has to, say, go with Eric, and stuff like that.

Or, you know, Shawn could just throw a hissy fit about how no one loves him and he’s a stray dog and he never asked for any of this. It’s sort of like if you go to the Food Bank on a regular basis, and complain about how flavorless and disgusting the frozen salmon burger patties are, instead of just being grateful that someone took the time to donate the food so you could eat something. You do have a point that the salmon burgers are just not very good at all (they really aren’t, I don’t know why), but… seriously, someone took time and energy to get that stuff to you. Shut up.

SO DURING THE END CREDITS:

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Eric’s sick of this. It’s been three days, the SATs are tomorrow, and he just wants to know what the three secrets are. Feeny tells him to get a good night’s sleep, but Eric protests – the test is tomorrow, he can’t sleep without knowing what the secrets are!

But that is one of the secrets – to sleep. Eric says he can’t sleep, he has to study because he hasn’t thought of the test in days. Feeny says that’s the second secret – to clear your mind. Feeny asks him to guess what the third secret is, and Eric guesses “You’re Satan?” The final secret is to trust yourself, because the SATs measure your aptitude, which means it measures what’s “up there”.

Now that’s out of the way, Feeny tells Eric to continue working with the azaleas. Eric says “psyche” about that because he already has the three secrets, he doesn’t need to work for Feeny anymore! To this, Feeny replies “Did I say three secrets? I meant four.”

And that concludes Season 2.

I guess we all learned a valuable lesson about how if you’re a stray dog, lone wolf type, you can be totally ungrateful about other people’s hospitality, and you’re cool, hunky English teacher will just adopt you so you don’t have to have to stay with your friend’s square parents who have the audacity to ask you to use a cup when you drink milk.

I have to stop talking now before I explode. I’m going to try to make a worthwhile season 2 recap that isn’t just a bunch of pictures, like the season 1 recap was.

Plaid:
Shirt – 11
Skirt – 2

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