GMW: 102, “Girl Meets Boy”; July 11, 2014

From what I gather, episode 3 actually leaked online before episode 2. The site  watch this show on has two completely different episodes under the “episode 2” list, so I’m just assuming THIS is actually episode 2.

Also I’m going to complain again about how stupid these episode titles are. Especially since Riley ALREADY Met Boy. And it makes upcoming episode “Girl Meets Brother” especially stupid-sounding since presumably Riley has already become acquainted with her younger brother. Again I point out that Boy Meets World episode titles were all references or puns. Phineas and Ferb’s episode titles are all references or puns too, so it’s not like they didn’t go with that because it’s out of fashion or anything.

Also apparently there’s someone at Riley’s school name Smackle. Farkle was one thing, but Smackle? From “Girl Meets Smackle” I thought it involved Riley getting addicted to some new soft drink, not giving her classmate Smackle a makeover.

Smackle?? I mean, really? I’m hoping that’s just a nickname, but even if it is, what and why.

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Maya wants Riley to talk to Lucas… I think that’s his name, I actually forgot because he’s just THAT bland.

Riley doesn’t want to actually talk to him because they have a good texting relationship.

She responds with "So do I!!!11111:)" which means she sits next to herself.
She responds with “So do I!!!11111:)” which means she sits next to herself.

I always love tv shows that have kids openly texting in the hallways. When I was in school, you’d get yelled at if you were just holding a calculator like a cell phone. Also THERE WASN’T ANY TIME TO HANG OUT IN THE HALLWAY. What sort of magical school do all these fictional characters go to? At my schools, they kept whittling down the amount of time we had to switch classes. I think the least amount of time I had was 5 minutes, and that was for multiple school years, which was totally great when I had classes on completely opposite sides of the school. I pretty much had to run and I’d be lucky if I got to class just as the bell rang. For three years I never went to bathroom once during the school day because there just wasn’t any time between classes, and teachers always have to make such a HUGE deal about if you ask to go during class. And whenever any of the students were like “look there’s not enough time for us to get from class to class, especially if we need to stop at our lockers or god forbid use the restroom”, the vice principal would be like “Well we timed it over the summer and we determined you can easily make to your class in 10 seconds”, which would be fine except they obviously didn’t take into account that during the school year you also have to fight your way past 1500 other students to get to class, and, again, stop at your locker or perhaps use the restroom particularly if you’re menstruating. Plus there wasn’t ANY proof they actually timed it. I guess the budget was just SO strained that they couldn’t afford to pay the staff an extra $0.30 to be there for 5 extra minutes so we could have slightly longer transition periods between classes.

… but then you have these kids on tv shows where they’re just hanging out in the empty hallway forever.

Oh hey by the way I don’t remember if I mentioned this, but the kid who plays Lucas is like 4 years older than Riley even though the characters are the same age. It’s super noticeable because of how young Riley looks but Lucas looks like he’s old enough to buy cigars.

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Cory tells the class they’re an unfeeling generation of zombies who don’t know how to emote without emoticons. What class is this??

Riley tells Cory to chill because cell phones have been around for, like, ever. And she has over 300 friends right on her phone. Socially awkward Riley who spent the whole last episode finding her World and learning to Be Herself has over 300 digital friends.

Also, cell phones! I’m certain the majority of you who have a fond nostalgia for Boy Meets World remember when cell phones were roughly the thickness of a steak, with about as many features. I remember back in the late 80s when having a cell phone meant you were REALLY well-off. Frasier Crane on Cheers had one, and of course, Zach Morris had one that he still carried with him even though old cell phones were about the weight and thickness of two George R. R. Martin novels.

I got my first cell phone in 2005 and I had a flip phone until two months ago, by the way.
I got my first cell phone in 2005 and I had a flip phone until two months ago, by the way.

Lucas defends his use of a cell phone by pointing out he uses it to keep in touch with his old friends and family in Texas. Maya takes the opportunity to make fun of Texas and how they always have hoedowns and square dances and whatever down there. Riley reacts with a stern “Maya!” I know I’m not the only one who thinks this, but so far Maya is actually the most entertaining character on the show. Honestly, Riley’s kind of lame so far, Lucas is bland, and Farkle’s over the top although I still actually like him. At least when Cory started getting bland on Boy Meets World, they took it and ran with it, like it was part of his character so much that he started being less bland because of it.

Farkle talks about how technology matters to his generation, implies he’s going to clone Maya and Riley, so that way he’ll have four whole women in his harem.

Cory gives the class an assignment, telling them they can’t use computers, and he makes them all give him their cell phones. Since a lot of people don’t have landlines anymore, I’m sure a lot of those kids’ parents are going to be super pissed about this, especially since they live in New York City and I’m sure a lot of them are latchkey kids. So Cory just took away the only way for those kids to contact their parents at work. Thanks, Cory.

He makes the class split into groups, with Farkle claiming Maya and Riley and Lucas pairing up. Cory just helplessly says “No” over and over again and the bell rings so no one else got paired up with a partner. Also he’s the teacher so he should have some authority to have the kids not just pair up like that.

This show makes me mad.

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Later, at family dinner, Auggie tells a boring story that either means he’s growing or he isn’t. Topanga thinks the “not having a cell phone’ thing makes a good opportunity for Riley to have family time. Boy if only Topanga and Cory were her parents and had the authority to limit her cell phone usage the rest of the time OH WAIT.

Auggie asks for a cell phone. He is 5. No 5 year old needs a cell phone. At the most I could see giving a kid that young a phone strictly for emergencies, but presumably the kid is going to be in the care of someone else most of the time, hopefully an older person who has a phone of their own.

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Riley, Maya, Lucas, and Farkle head to the New York Public Library. The whole scene is just joke after joke about them being so used to technology they don’t know what a library is. Or books. They regard books like some mystical objects of lore even though they, you know, have textbooks at school. Also presumably a library.

Hey come to think of it, if all these kids are so technology-obsessed, how come they ALL handwrote their homework in the last episode instead of typing it up? I was typing and print my homework back in 4th grade and I was also like the least technologically advanced person in school. All these kids are so used to cell phones and computers that they don’t know what a book us and yet not ONE person used a computer to do their homework int he last episode?

This is too stupid to be funny.

Also there’s no one else in the library. Apparently in ALL of New York there’s not ONE person who actually enjoys reading books, or ONE tourist who wants to visit such a landmark, or ONE homeless person hanging out in the library because it’s warm inside.

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Maya – who I have almost called Miley and Riley in this review – and Farkle read a book they pulled off the shelf earlier. They start on a chapter called “Disconnecting to Connect” which is about how unplugging yourself from technology makes for better human interaction. Curiously, that book is supposed to be about human interaction through all of time but the chapter on on modern technology seems to be at the very front of the book.

After the commercial break, Farkle says it’d be cool if there was some device that could put all the information in the library into their pocket. I wish there was a device that could put it all into my brain, personally.

Maya’s poor so she doesn’t have a cell phone. All she has is the moon (no, seriously, she said that). Farkle’s like “Oh well, have you been taking notes?”

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Maya says she hasn’t, which I hope is true since she’s not holding that pad the write way to be writing. Farkle’s all “Yeah, what do we need a pad and paper for when we have computers?” Again I bring up that ALL OF THEM hand-wrote their homework in the last episode. You can’t have a continuity snarl this early in the show, or have an episode that is directly contradicting something from the previous episode.

They say something else and it turns out Maya drew the view outside the window.

She did not draw the "Phineas and Ferb" text.
She did not draw the “Phineas and Ferb” text. Thanks, promo placement.

Maya apparently never knew she could draw because apparently she has never taken any notes in class before, gotten bored, and then doodled all over the notes.

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Riley tells Lucas her father thinks that without phones, they don’t know how to talk to each other. Lucas is like “Maybe he’s right” and then the librarian tells Riley to man up and get inspired by all the stories on the shelves near them even though they’re either in the Reference section or Non-Fiction.  The librarian says that every story has this in common: that they start on page 1, and with every page, take you deeper and deeper into the story. Now, having read many books in my day, I have to say that is not true of every book. I’ve read quite a few books where the story just never picks up at all, or gets really interesting but just hits a point where it becomes extremely tedious.

But Riley gets the point and talks to Lucas. He says he owned 24 horses in Texas, and one day one of them was foaling (meaning, giving birth), and no one else was around, so he called the veterinarian (I mean, he called “the doctor”, so I’m just assuming he meant a vet) and the doctor talked him through it. I’ve seen more videos of ungulates giving birth than I care to think about, and I’m not really sure what Lucas needed to be talked through. They mostly kind of shift in discomfort for a while until the baby just plops out in a huge splash. Sometimes the babies do get stuck, in which case they need help, but it doesn’t sound like that was the case here.

But Lucas is all proud of himself. He never mentions why, if they owned a horse ranch, how exactly he was the only person there when one of the horses was due to give birth. Maybe Lucas killed his parents and lived on the ranch by himself until the police figured out his parents weren’t just missing, so he escaped in the dead of night, changed his identity, and enrolled in a school in NYC. I gotta say, that would make his character a billion times more interesting than it currently is.

Lucas decides to share with Riley this super deep dark secret that he’s never told anyone before. I thought he was gonna say he was gay or confess to murdering his parents, but, no, he just wants to be a veterinarian. What a chilling revelation, I can see why he’d want to keep that a secret.

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Auggie drew on the walls and the refrigerator. Auggie is my least favorite character.

Riley comes home and thanks Cory for teaching them that talking is good or something. She says he can keep her phone as long as he wants.

Kay.

At school at some point, Cory gives everyone back their phones. No mention if any of them have 35 increasingly annoyed voicemails from their mothers asking why they aren’t answering their phones.

Then Cory says it’s time for the technology reports. Since only the named characters got assigned partners, they’re the only ones who did the work and the only ones with presentations.

Farkle has been keeping Maya’s drawing in his pocket, where his phone used to be.

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Riley says she thought all her friends were in her phone, but she learned that you don’t need a phone to connect to your real friends.

That’s a good message, but you have to keep in mind that technology is actually really great for, say, keeping in contact with your extended family who live in Florida or New York, or your old friend who lives three hours away and is really busy so you don’t have all that much time to meet up with each other.

During the credits, Cory meets up with Maya in the library. Cory asks Maya to keep tabs on Riley, to make sure she’s not getting in over her head or whatever. Maya – who I almost called Miley again – says she’d love to, but she doesn’t have the technology to get ahold of Cory of Riley’s ever in trouble.

So Cory gives her a cell phone. He says his motives are entirely selfish, but Maya doesn’t think they are.

Cory then gives Maya a pack of colored pencils, saying if she’s watching Riley and something beautiful happens, he wants her to capture that, too.

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Why can’t this show be about Maya, seriously? I don’t think I’ve ever had such a strong feeling of the main character being way less interesting than a secondary character. Oh well. It’s only the second episode.

And now, to be fair, Rowan Blanchard isn’t terrible. She’s certainly improved since the first episode. It’s just that the character stinks. Really, so far only Farkle, Maya, and Cory have real personalities on this show. Topanga doesn’t even one, and by all rights she should since she was on the original show.

Fun fact: I also accidentally called Riley “Angela” at one point when typing this up. “Maya and Angela”. I’m pretty sure after typing “Maya” my mind immediately went to Maya Angelou and somehow that became Angela.

Oh there was this teeny tiny subplot about Topanga not wanting Auggie to grow up. So far Auggie and Topanga have been so insignificant I don’t even care enough to really recap what they do. Like they’re even worse than all the Turner subplots on Boy Meets World where he meets a woman, dates her, and breaks up in the same episode because the main plot didn’t fill enough air time.

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