GMW: 110, “Girl Meets Crazy Hat”; Sept 26, 2014

Man I really gotta catch up on all these shows. Girl Meets World season 2 is already airing (actually it looks like it’s half-over already?? the season one finale was like 3 months ago, though) and apparently “laying on the feels”, and Degrassi AND Glee are both ended. (Okay, Degrassi got picked up by Netflix for at least one more season, sure, but still. That’s like the end of an era. That show’s been on since 2001. It’s going to take me SO LONG to finish reviewing that show, especially since I haven’t even started yet).

Also my “If I ever finish these shows and decide to keep reviewing” plan of recapping Home Improvement, Roseanne, and The Cosby Show sure might have a wrench thrown in it now, what with all the news about Bill Cosby and such. I mean, I think I’ll recap it anyway, because it’s still a good show and all. I may be adding A Different World to the roster too just because I watched that show recently and it’s pretty good too. It’s also the only show I’ve ever seen with a pre-episode content warning that actually encouraged people to have their kids watch the episode instead of just “viewer discretion advised”.

Anyway the title for this episode is stupid. Sure I’ve established that I think all the episode titles are stupid, but this one is like the 5th-dumbest one. “Girl Meets World” “Girl Meets Boy” and “Girl Meets The Truth” are the least dumb. I think this episode title would’ve made more sense for the episode where she decides to be a Harajuku girl, even though I don’t think she wore a hat in that episode. “Crazy hat” just makes me think of Harajuku fashion. (I still really hate the lesson that episode taught. Riley’s problem was that she was trying to be someone she wasn’t, not that she didn’t know the history and significance of Harajuku fashion. And she wasn’t even really dressed in a Harajuku style in the first place, and in the second place Harajuku fashion is based on American/European fashion so… what?? ugh.)

Okay long intro. Moving on.

It’s raining. Riley is wearing a poncho.

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I’ve never seen anyone outside of Disney World wear a poncho. But I guess Disney does own this show.

Riley and Maya are in the subway and see Jackee (JacKAY) Harry, who was in the pilot episode. Maya calls her “Crazy Hat.” Ah, episode title explained even though she already met this woman before. The girls sit next to Crazy Hat on a bench, and a subway cop(?) chats with them. And it turns out Riley’s poncho is a trashbag with holes cut in it. She gives one to Crazy Hat.

Crazy Hat is homeless – or at least, that’s what they assume – and Riley’s all “How does that happen to someone?” She holds her hand out and some guy in a suit walking by puts money in her hand. Riley’s like “What??” and then some guy pushing a trashcart picks her up and puts her in it.

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That’s what you get for wearing a darn trashbag, Riley. Your mother is (was?) a lawyer, you couldn’t afford a raincoat??

Anyway I suppose it figures that New York’s cleanest subway station has a guy actively collecting trashbags during the day… and a police officer. And a single homeless person who is clean, and not crazy.

At school, Cory is trying to talk about “1831, in Belgium”. I know it’s really been said to death by me, but the units in this class make no sense. They were just talking about the 1960s, now they’re talking about Belgium in the 1830s? Don’t history classes typically go in chronological order? Also I googled it and it looks like Cory was probably talking about the Belgian Revolution, which ended in 1831.

But every time Cory says “1831, in Belgium”, Riley says “No!” Cory’s finally like “Riley?” and Riley freaks out about how she doesn’t know what she’ll be when she grows up, and how can she be sure she’ll be safe? I’m glad she only thinks of this stuff during class and not at home.

Cory’s like “Riley, I want you to listen to me very carefully. In 1831, Belgium declared its independence from The Netherlands” (which was a result of the Belgian Revolution! :D) Riley pauses and then just continues to freak out about how she doesn’t want to live in a subway. Maya then also freaks out because nothing can happen to Riley, since she’s Maya’s meal ticket. Cory surprises me by saying “What the -, I just saw you at breakfast!” Then Farkle surprises me by depending Cory go back to teaching instead of focusing on Riley’s problems in class again.

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Good old Disney Channel, blocking the darn subtitles. Farkle was saying, in what I think was Dutch, “What happened to Belgium?” Cory confirms my suspicion that he was indeed speaking Dutch, and implies this happens a lot, that Farkle just randomly speaks Dutch. Farkle says, in Dutch, “Oh really?”, slaps himself, and begins speaking Spanish.

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Cory points this out, so Farkle slaps himself again and says, in English this time, “My education should not be based on your daughter’s moods!” Amen, Farkle! I knew there was a reason he was my favorite. At least when Mr. Feeny had some lesson for Cory or whatever, the lesson was outside of classtime, or actually involved the whole class (like during the “Grapes of Wrath” protest episode), or it was just a normal school lesson that paralleled what Cory was coincidentally going through right at that time.

I think this is also why, in bigger schools at least, with older students, they don’t put kids in classes being taught by their parents if they can help it.

Cory tells Farkle, “Neither should [my education], but it is!” Cory says this kind of of problem is one that always affects parents and whatever, and gives a speech about how it’s important to be confident in where you’re going or whatever, and decides, instead of learning history, the class is going to do an economics project now.

Well this was ALMOST going in the right direction. And I’m sure by “class” Cory just mean Riley, Maya, Farkle, and Lucas, anyway.

Cory says Riley and Farkle are teamed up for the week, and their business will be about muffins. Maya says her business will be sponging off Riley until she gets sick of her. Riley assures Maya she would never get sick of her, to which Maya replies, “All right, I’m set for life!”

Farkle’s excited about the prospect of making money with his business. Cory’s all, “Is that all that’s important to you? Money?” Farkle understandably asks, “What else should a business value besides profits?” So Lucas, in his folksy southern wisdom, says if he ran a business, it would all be about making sure customers are happy. I mean, you can’t run a business just on happy customers alone Lucas, but you’re not entirely on the wrong path there. Coincidentally I was just watching an episode of Scrubs, where the Chief of Medicine (Kelso) and one of the doctors who’d been there a while (Cox) were having a disagreement about giving treatment to a woman who didn’t have the insurance to cover the treatment. Cox thinks it’s despicable to just not treat someone just because she can’t pay for it, if she really needs the help. Kelso makes the point that the hospital is still a business, and if they don’t make enough money, they can’t keep the hospital open and continue to help people who need it.

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Farkle says Lucas is everything that’s wrong with this country, and Cory nominates Lucas and Maya to be heads of the “Heart and Frier Muffin company.” So now there’s two competing muffin companies in the school.  Cory vaguely remembers he has other students and says they’ll all just be employees of the only four students with names, and the other students in school will be their customers. There’s so many stupid things wrong with this project that I can’t even wrap my head around them all. I mean, for one, they should be selling cupcakes to middle schoolers instead of muffins.

The bell rings so everybody leaves, having learned that Riley is once again more important than their history education, except Farkle stays behind to learn about Belgium. Farkle will be the only kid who graduates high school.

But seriously if I was in that class, I would be SO PISSED. All they ever do is learn about Riley.

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Auggie depends payment from Topanga. Topanga asks what he’s expecting to be paid for, and Auggie just says “I don’t know, you pay Riley.” Riley does chores, and that’s why she gets an allowance, but “What do you do?” Topanga asks. Auggie just stands there and says “You’re looking at it.” God but I hate this kid. Topanga gives him a nickel. He gets upset, and she for some reason assumes he’s actually trying to get money to buy her a birthday present, so she gives him $10. And that’s the scene.

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Riley and Farkle’s muffin business is booming which is dumb. Do middle school students REALLY like muffins that much? I sold candy in high school to fundraise, and that was pretty popular, because high schoolers love to have candy in class, but… muffins? I do buy that there would be people buying muffins, but not THAT many.

Farkle and Riley end up with just one muffin left, and Farkle decides to auction it off, since supply and demand and all. Lucas and Maya, who are selling muffins in the same hallway, still have a huge tray of muffins, and are like “Um, we have muffins over here?” but nobody wants their gross muffins. Probably don’t even have chocolate chips in them. Maya also wonders why FarLey’s muffins are all white. My guess was that they have cocaine in them, which would explain the popularity, but I know that’s unlikely given this is the Disney Channel. They’re probably white chocolate cupcakes or something.

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Maya and Lucas gives a progress report on their stupid muffin business. Their muffins are organic and sustainable or something, so that makes them “the right thing to do”. They’ve sold 14 muffins, at $1 each. Cory first asks Maya if she really believes that the organic muffins are “right”, and then asks how much the muffins cost to make. Lucas says they didn’t cost anything, because his mother bought them.

Farkle asks what the profits are, and Cory scolds Farkle for trying to teach his class for him. So far Farkle seems to be the only person who has any real desire to actually learn anything in this class – this HISTORY class – so, shut up, Cory.

Cory then asks Lucas what his profits were. Lucas says they had no profit. Which is interesting since they didn’t spend any money to buy the muffins, and have made $14. But he did say he was planning on paying his mother back at the end of the week, and she already bought like 20 boxes of muffins, so it seems like they have a pretty significant net loss there.

Can you believe there’s 18 minutes left in this episode?

Farkle and Riley go up to do their report. Their profits are through the roof, and “so are [their] employees!” Cut to a group of students in the classroom fidgeting and twitching.

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I guess I was wrong about the muffins have cocaine in them. They have METH baked into them!

Oh okay Farkle says the muffins are 100% sugar. Hey, maybe I was right the first time, sugar is a euphemism for cocaine, after all. Riley’s all “wtf you said the muffins were all-natural and organic!” Farkle in response just says “Sugah!” Sugar IS a natural and organic product, that’s true. But there’s no way those muffins could be 100% sugar. Pretty sure they would’ve melted in the oven if that were true. Or at least, they wouldn’t still be pure white. And if they AREN’T baked, then… how are they being held together? I still say they’re just normal muffins with cocaine and/or meth inside them. That’s part of how Farkle’s family is so rich. They’re high-class drug dealers.

Riley says it’s wrong for a company to mislead its customers. She’s not wrong.

Riley’s just disgusted with the whole company now, and wants no more part of it. Farkle doesn’t care and offers to buy Lucas and Maya’s muffin company. Maya’s all on board, but Lucas isn’t sure – he has integrity, right? Maya reminds him that they owe his mother $100 so Lucas changes his mind and takes Farkle up on his offer. Farkle decides the name of this new muffin company will be… “Farkle.” He’s dropped Riley’s name from the company, because he’s dropped HER. Cory explains how the first thing that happens after a merger is downsizing, as viewers of Mad Men may well know.

Farkle tells Lucas his first step is to fire Riley and Maya. When Lucas asks why he has to be the one to do it, Farkle points out he’s got that down-to-earth, folksy, friendly thing going on, so he should be the face of the company while Farkle is the behind-the-scenes guy. So Lucas fires Riley, and she storms out. Maya’s all “If she’s going, I’m going!” which would be a noble thing to say if she wasn’t going to be fired anyway.

Also I love that they both just left during class again. Also, in this case, if they wanted to downsize, they should’ve started with the underlevel employees and not the CEOs, so to speak. But whatever. Farkle’s the only person who knows anything on this show.

Speaking of, Farkle declares they’ll be raising the price of the muffins up to $3 now. When Lucas argues that people won’t be pleased with that, Farkle points out that everyone’s hooked on the muffins so they have no choice. Don’t some drug dealers give you a free one to get you hooked? I’m still not convinced there ISN’T cocaine in those muffins.

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Auggie asks Topanga what she’s doing. Topanga explains that she’s going over some details for a case, and is really touched that Auggie’s genuinely interested. She goes on to say that one company is in trouble for underreporting its earnings and Auggie interrupts after 2 seconds to say “When will it end?!”

Have I mentioned how much I hate Auggie? Because I cannot stand this kid. I would take a hundred Michelle Tanners over this kid, seriously.

The doorbell rings, interrupting Auggie being a huge brat, and he says whatever’s at the door is what he spent his allowance on. Topanga’s surprised, her birthday’s not for a little while yet, and is also curious as to how Auggie managed to order something despite being so young. “Are you a genius and we don’t know it?” she wonders. Haha. No.

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He spent all his money on crappy plastic jewelry for his “girlfriend”, Ava. Ava’s all, “Auggie bought me ALL THIS STUFF because he loves me. What did he buy you?” Topanga explains that her love cannot be bought, and Ava’s just like “Get real, Topanga. Auggie needs a raise in his allowance!” Auggie doesn’t actually get an allowance, but whatever.

Topanga announces they’re going to play hide and seek, and tells Auggie to go hide and count. He does so, and Ava is confused – the person counting doesn’t usually hide. Topanga says this is just a new way of playing, and she’s also got a really great place for Ava to hide – her own house. She picks up Ava and puts her in the hallway.

Auggie finishes counting and comes back into the living room, and stage whispers to ask where Ava is. Topanga just remarks that he sure bought her a lot of shiny stuff. Auggie confirms, explaining that it’s because he loves her. Topanga explains that just because something’s shiny doesn’t mean it’s good, and you shouldn’t have to buy shiny stuff to get someone to love you. Auggiea says all that stuff was expensive, and he has no money left. He wonders who’s going to love him now, and the audience “aaawwwwwwwwww”s at this. Blegh. That scene was a muffin made entirely of sugar. Gross.

Topanga tells Auggie that people don’t always know what’s good for them, and hops he’ll always know what’s good for him. Auggie thinks this hug is nice, and then figures Topanga just threw Ava out again.

What Topanga said is good, but I think Auggie could also have really used a talking to about 1) actually doing things to earn his money, and 2) Topanga gave him that money because she thought he was going to buy her a birthday present. He bought costume jewelry for a 6 year old. He really needs a talking-to about THAT, not about “You don’t have to buy someone’s love!” and “People don’t always know what’s right for them!” I don’t know how this subplot turned into Auggie being sad about how no one’s ever going to love him.

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Riley has a box of stuff and is sad about being fired. …so stupid…

Crazy Hat is on the subway bench, and asks what’s wrong. Maya explains “Class project, fake business.” Crazy Hat’s been fired a lot, and Riley’s all “Not from fake businesses, though.” Crazy Hat says she’s worked at a lot of fake businesses, and she sees people going to and from fake businesses all the time. She excuses herself, because she has a meeting. Maya guesses the meeting is with some squirrels, because I guess Crazy Hat is crazy.

After a commercial break, I guess, Crazy Hat comes back, and talks about her meeting. And I guess she has a building named after her. Maya says, “The Crazy Hat building?” Crazy Hat ignores her and tells Maya and Riley how she just likes to sit and observe people, and tells them to do the same.  There are some people running to catch a train or something, because SOME people actually have things they need to do, but this is apparently shameful or something. Some guy walks into the station, soaking wet, and pulls a donut out of his jacket pocket, and Maya’s all “Some people won’t protect themselves from the storm, but they will protect their morning donut.” OOOH, FACED. Sure showed THAT guy who maybe just forgot his umbrella or something. I can tell from observing this conversation that Maya is judgmental and a bit pretentious, personally.

Crazy Hat asks if Maya will bring that observation to class next time, but Maya and Riley aren’t going back. They don’t want to be humiliated again. Okay, I understand that, but you guys are like 12. You HAVE to go back to class. Although I guess it’s not like they’ll be missing anything important, since they apparently only have History and Art class, and never learn any history in history class anyway.

But then Crazy Hat tells them to do a crazy yell and they do and then they decide to go back to class after all.

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Is Maya wearing a Rolling Stones shirt? I know this isn’t the first time she’s worn some sort of classic rock t-shirt. I think Maya’s too cool to hang out with Riley. (Not that not wearing classic rock t-shirts means you aren’t cool, or that liking rock makes you cool).

Maya and Riley came up with a business – what if every subway station in New York were stocked with umbrellas? And it’s a non-profit organization. Farkle is disgusted with a business that can’t make money. “And what good does YOUR business do?” Riley and Maya spit. (They don’t really spit). So right off the bat I can think of at least 3 things wrong with having a non-profit business that provides umbrellas in subway stations, the first being that you’d already be wet by the time you got into the subway station anyway. Also, EVERY subway station in New York? There’s apparently either 421 or 468 subway stations in New York. Good luck stocking ALL of those with non-profit umbrellas.

I mean, I could see this working as an umbrella exchange – like, if you’re expected to bring the umbrellas back when it’s not raining, or if people can just donate umbrellas whenever, but all around, I don’t think this business could work, on that scale, in New York.

I have been in shopping areas that provide umbrellas for free, but they’re clearly marked and you aren’t supposed to leave the premises with them. But obviously not being able to leave the subway with a subway umbrella wouldn’t make sense, since most of the stations are underground anyway.

…ANYWAY, Crazy Hat unexpectedly walks into the classroom. She’s going to invest in the umbrella business. She’s apparently Charmain of the Board of Rand Industries, a building the girls walk by every day. So she gives them a check, tells them to buy some umbrellas and go put them in some subway stations, and “the people will do the rest.”

Riiiiiiiiight.

Then Crazy Hat gives Farkle a dollar, because Maya and Riley previously complained about how crazy he is, and tells Farkle not to keep the dollar, but to pass it on, because that’s the only way that’ll fix him. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Then Crazy Hat goes to leave, and asks Cory if he’s really sure he can really change all these kids’ lives. Cory’s all, “Of course. I’m their teacher.” He’s done exactly zero teaching in this episode, and has barely done any in any of the other episodes, but okay. Or should I say, riiiiiiiiiight.

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Lucas wants to help with the umbrella company, Maya tells him he’s fired, and then she and Riley leave. AGAIN.

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The umbrella business is doing wonders for these obviously not wet, middle class people. I’m sure there’s some real homeless people who could use those umbrellas but whatever.

This episode was UGH. I’ve said enough already. I guess I’ll just add that, once again, the moral for this episode seemed to have nothing to do with anything. Nobody really learned a lesson about the issue of homelessness, despite Riley freaking out about possibly having to live in a subway station; nobody learned about not judging a book by its cover, with them assuming someone was homeless but it turns out she owns a company; I already complained about the Auggie subplot being stupid; And I think worst of all, we didn’t really learn that there can be a compromise between having a business that helps people and a business that makes a profit. Farkle’s business was really profitable,  as a result of feeding children pure sugar. Lucas’s muffins were really healthy and good for you, and made no profit, and at the end we have a business that  helps people but is entirely a non-profit. It IS possible to make money while not being an awful company.

And also, which I think is ACTUALLY the worst of all, we learned that Riley learning a life lesson is indeed more important than all these other kids learning history. Thanks, Mr. Matthews!

I give his a “gnag gnag gnag fuhTIIIIING” out of 10.

 

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